Understanding and Coping with “Controlling” People.

Understanding and Coping with “Controlling” People.

Many have commented about the coarsening of our society and the decline of basic civility in politics and in every day life. Psychologically, this change in public decorum correlates with the complexification of life and a greatly reduced sense of control that people experience over there own lives.
Nowhere is the loss of control more painfully experienced than in intimate relationships and marriage. Indeed, one of the most common complaints of couples is that they feel that their partner is too “controlling”. Here are some important facts about our needs for control and some tips for dealing with controlling people:
1) No one has the right to try to control their partner.
2) Attempts to control are signs of anxiety and panic.
3) When in a state of panic, a person is not in touch with their cortex and thus he/she can not think reasonably.
4) It is not helpful or productive to attempt to struggle with someone who is in a panicked state.
5) Only when the experience of anxiety has been lowered can a productive conversation and respectful negotiations to reach mutually agreeable solutions take place .

How Breathing and the “Tupperware” techniques can help to control anger.

How Breathing and the “Tupperware” techniques can help to control anger.

Violent and uncontrolled expressions of anger are some of the most threatening emotional, social and cultural issues plaguing our society. One of the especially frustrating aspects of anger is its explosive nature which may erupt without warning.
Although it takes practice, a helpful skill to acquire to control the raw acting out of anger feelings is to delay the urge to immediately discharge the impulse . Using the mental image of a Tupperware container , along with breathing exercises, is an effective way to defer the immediate and unfiltered release of anger impulses and to allow time for a more reasonable response to be made . Here is how they work together to give you more control.

Rethinking the language of mental illness: From nuts and crazy to irrational and disordered.

Rethinking the language of mental illness: From nuts and crazy to irrational and disordered.

Recently, a husband in a counseling session turned and asked me to tell his wife that she was crazy. In declining to do so I asked if he could tell me what he was feeling when he made his request. He responded by saying that he felt exasperated. Indeed , sometimes we hurl words like nuts or crazy when we are frustrated and don’t know what else to do. When we feel powerless, name-calling is sometimes the only thing we can think of to do. That’s because cutting remarks about the other person makes them appear smaller and makes us feel better .
Apart from the session, it got me to thinking about how his comment , in addition to being hurtful, is a sign that, despite all that we have learned and despite all the progress that we have made, that we still have a long way to go to get beyond the fear and stigma attached to mental health issues.
Part of the prejudice stems from ignorance and a gross misunderstanding of psychological disorders. This confusion has been and continues to be perpetuated, in part, by the common usage of antiquated and misleading terms such as “crazy” and “nuts”.
Today, let’s explore the linguistic origins these hurtful anachronisms and consider better alternatives to use when discussing mental health issues.

S.H.I.E.L.D. : Six steps to protect your brain from Alzheimer’s Disease

S.H.I.E.L.D. : Six steps to protect your brain from Alzheimer’s Disease

This is Alzheimer’s awareness day and here is an acronym that everyone should learn: S.H.I.E.L.D.
SH.I.E.L.D. stands for the six things that everyone can do to help protect their brain from this dreaded disease.
In the past research was aimed at protein build-up (plaques and tangles) but the latest thinking is that INFLAMATION is the culprit.
Here are six life-style changes that can help reduce inflammation in the brain and better protect you from Alzheimer’s disease.

The Absense of Empathy: Psychology’s Take on the Origin of Sin and Evil.

The Absense of Empathy: Psychology’s Take on the Origin of Sin and Evil.

The incessant reports of gun violence has stimulated deeper questions about the very notion of human sin and evil. A recent report in the New York Times interviewed a theologian and a psychiatrist about their understanding of these mysteries. As one who is an ordained minister and also a licensed psychotherapist, I found the discussion fascinating and relevant to modern concerns about why bad things such as mass shootings happen. Further, the dialog provides a good example of the kinds of issues which pastoral counselors address.
In a recent article in the New York Times a theologian and a psychiatrist were asked about their understanding of evil and sin. Specifically, the psychiatrist expressed the widely held view of how modern brain research and psychology understands the concepts of evil and sin. This evolving bio/psycho/social perspective provides a different slant on traditional religious views of evil but, ultimately, is congruent with the fundamental message of biblical beliefs. Here is a look of how science informs and relates to the theological concept of sin.