Blog & Video Archives

Past Bridge Street Mental Health segment with accompanying text.

Labor Day & Self Care

Labor Day & Self Care

With Labor Day approaching, we mark the end of summer qnd the start of school and the Fall season.   Historically, the Labor Day holiday is a tribute to the contributions that the American worker and organized labor unions have made to our country. 

In addition to its social significance, I want us to recognize the contribution Labor Day has made to America’s  mental health, i.e. its appreciation of the importance of self-care.  APPRECIATING THE DEEPER SIGNIFICANCE OF LABOR DAY: The importance of leisure and self care | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com)  

It must not be forgotten that the American labor movement gave us important self-care structures such as the week-end and the 40 hour work-week.  These work-limits, which we now take for granted, were mightily opposed by many and were difficult to attain.  Implicitly,  these  work-rules recognized the necessity for workers to have time off from work and to enjoy leisure and rest  . 

Despite the immense work-place progress which allows for self-care, many still minimize the importance of self-care.  So, today I want to take a deep dive into the basics of what real self-care involves. 

Specifically, having restful sleep, good nutrition, physical activity, adequate leisure, knoiwing effective  stress management, having strong social relationships and getting regular medical/psychological wellness exams are vital for us to be at our best. In doing so, we can learn how these 7 elements work together to promote our mental health and happiness.

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Talking or Arguing.

Talking or Arguing.

You probably know that communications is a big deal in couples therapy.  Although not # 1, numerous surveys have found that, along with money and sex, poor communications is one of the most common reasons that couples seek counseling. 

Indeed, many partners report that  talking to one another is so bad that they have completely given up on even trying to discuss problems. That’s because what starts out as a simple conversation often winds up as an unpleasant argument. 

Today I will show you why you need to 1) Stop using You Statements, 2) Start using You-Statments and 3) Begin using a Marital Journal will help you to dramatically transform your intimate communcateions.

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SEX AS A HOBBY ?

SEX AS A HOBBY ?

In trying to keep up with “what’s happening now” in the field of sexuality, I came across  the phrase “sex-as-a-hobby”.   Recently, this way of looking at sex has become popular, especially among those who identify as asexual. They find the perspective useful because it understands sex as something that one does and not as a defining characteristic of who one is. Sex As A Hobby: A Transhumanist’s Perspective – Philosophy, Politics, and Science – Asexual Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)

Others, such as sex coach Ruth Ramsay, employ  the sex-as-a-hobby approach to de-mystify the highly emotional topic of sexuality.  She finds the concept useful to help couples learn to discuss and deal with sex-related problems more rationally.   Revamp your sex life in 6 minutes | Ruth Ramsay | TEDxDaltVila – YouTube

At first I laughed at the notion of thinking of sex was like a hobby but, the more I thought  about it, the more I realized that it made sense.,  Although a hobby might not be the best metaphor, we do need to redefine and change how we think about sex. Here’s why:

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Common Porn Myths

Common Porn Myths

Recently, I have noticed a significant up-tick in the numbers of clients contacting me who erroneously feared that they had a pornography addiction.  After a careful examination, it was clear that, while they had been suffering from misinformation, they did not have an addiction. 

It needs to be understood from the outset that even though “pornography addiction” is a  popularly used term, I do not find it a help way to conceptualize the problem nor is it listed in the DSM5 as a disorder. Religious or moralistic discussions often denounce problematic masturbation and porn viewing as immoral or a lack of self-control without understanding of its psychological origins. 

Although pornography is part of the problem with which these men struggle , it rarely was not  the root.  Prior childhood trama,  religiously induced guilt and shame about sex and marital dischord are common underlying culprits.

The last time I wrote on this subject was four years agao. A Reasonable Approach for Discussing Masturbation and Pornography: Part 1 | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY (revmichaelheath.com) .  Given that misunderstanding has not declinced, I wish to debunk some of the most common myths about  pornography.   

A recent article in Slate on-line provides an excellent segue for this discussion. What NoFap does to your brain: Why so many people who abstain from masturbation end up suicidal. (slate.com)  Although it’s focus is on a particular anti-masturbation effort, NoFap, it provides a goosd summary of  the major false notions about pornography.  

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JOURNALING CONFUSION

JOURNALING CONFUSION

For many years, journaling has been a helpful tool for those dealing with stress and emotional issues. Even our military recognized the benefits of journaling and has incorporated the practice to help deployed soldiers.

It is important to appreciate, however, that not all personal writing is the same . In addition to individual journaling, marital journaling is a distinct practice and can be an important way for couples to improve their intimate communication. 

That said, there are significant differences between individual journaling and marital journaling which need to be understood.
Here are some thoughts to help couples who are confused:

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Suicide: An Update

Suicide: An Update

A recent article in the Syracuse Post-Standard cited the alarming rise in teen-age suicides and homicides beginning with COVID-19 which has continued to the present.  https://www.syracuse.com/us-news/2023/06/suicides-and-homicides-among-young-americans-jumped-early-in-pandemic-study-says.html
What is even more disturbing is the fact that suicide rates were already increasing before the pandemic. https://wjla.com/news/nation-world/more-than-a-mental-health-concern-nationwide-increase-in-suicides-prompts-newquestions?fbclid=IwAR1qWZbKn3G1ex_bv8XryK22NuohENbDSC2v87crC_YCcUBpyLoMM-BWEgI

Given other reports on our current mental health crisis, it’s probably a good time to update what we know about suicide.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT SUICIDE

To begin, an important change which has taken place in suicide discussions is the words that we use to talk about it.  Instead of saying that someone committed suicide,  a better way to express it is to say that the person died by suicide .

While this might seem like a trivial distinction, the change emphasizes the fact that, in most cases, suicide is not a free choice or conscious act. In addition, the traditional expression of committing suicide denotes needless stigma and shame.

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The SG on SM & Kids

The SG on SM & Kids

Recently, you may have heard about the U.S. Surgeon General’s warning to parents about the possible harm that social media poses for children. Surgeon General: Why Social Media Harms Youth Mental Health | Time  Today, I want to summarize and comment on his main concerns.

To begin, social media has a positive side. Studies have shown that  platforms such as Instagram and Facebook provide children outlets for creative expression as well as for making positive social connections. Social media use can be positive for mental health and well-being | News | Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health

That said, the Surgeon General wants parents to know that, at this time, there are no conclusive studies which show that social media is safe or harmless for kids.  Further, there are indications that, for some young adults and situations, social media can be harmful to a child’s mental health in several ways.  Here is a summary of concerns along with some useful tips to help you cope with this omni-present technological reality.  

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ATTACKS ON GAC EXPLAINED

ATTACKS ON GAC EXPLAINED

May is mental health awareness month.  This year I want to explain why some states are banning Gender Affirming Care (GAC) and expose the wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing scam called Gender Explorative Therapy (GET).

To be clear from the get-go, GAC is a legitimate treatment for gender dysphoric young folk . GET is a religiously backed hoax which ignores medical science and is harmful to transgendered non-conforming (TGNC) youth . https://www.nytimes.com/2022/06/15/magazine/gender-therapy.html     

THE ISSUE   Under the misleading banner of protecting children, a number of conservative state legislatures have chosen to pass laws which  follow religious dogma rather than science. 

Opponents of GAC want it banned because they believe  gender dysphoric children, i.e. kids whose gender identity conflicts with the gender which was assigned at birth, is simply a transient emotional confusion and is not a real medical condition.  Thus, they view  the medical aspect of GAC such as puberty blocking drugs,  as not only unnecessary but also harmful.

In fact, the  effort to interfere with necessary medical treatment poses a real threat to the health and well being of gender dysphoric youngsters.    https://wyofile.com/health-experts-gender-affirming-care-saves-lives/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmN2iBhCrARIsAG_G2i4XSt60BiHr5nb8PATeCdfcS0gu92BPDRgRXpT9tqkIw9HnblP9xnAaAtPKEALw_wcB

(Here is a link which lists the large number of medical/ professional organizations  which oppose both the laws banning GAC and GEC. https://transhealthproject.org/resources/medical-organization-statements)

Even worse, the number of states banning GAC is growing. Here is a map which  shows states that are considering such legislation.   https://abcnews.go.com/US/map-gender-affirming-care-targeted-us/story?id=97443087

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ABOUT LEISURE DEFICIENCY

ABOUT LEISURE DEFICIENCY

Recent hospitalization and death statistics related to COVID-19 reveal that the pandemic’s medical threat has dramatically declined. Covid in the U.S.: Latest Maps, Case and Death Counts – The New York Times (nytimes.com) That said, other studies show that the pandemic, together with other factors,  has had a devastating impact on America’s mental health.  Rates of anxiety and depression have risen among all age groups and the number of people seeking counseling is sky-rocketing.
Experts believe that the cause of this  problem is complex and actually pre-dates COVID-19. Such things as the internet and 24/7 on-line and cable news as well as the omni presence of smart phones and social media have over-loaded our ability to process so much distressing information.   Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? – The Atlantic   In other words, it’s not just the alarming content of things like mass shootings or war but the non-stop bombardment of the reports which have created a mental health crisis.

Another crucial element exacerbating the problem is America’s poor level of self-care and trivialized attitude toward leisure.  Studies have shown that  our nation’s traditional hard-work-no time-for play ethic has interfered with our society’s ability to cope with stress. Not giving ourselves sufficient time to recharge has caught many Americans with dead emotional batteries. 

Despite various attempts to educate the public about the importance of self care, disdain for recreation persists. Evidence of this view is seen in Cadillac’s 2014 Super Bowl commercial. In it, a smarmy guy strolls around his pool extoling America’s superior work ethic over European’s who take so many vacations.

His message is that only by working hard can one afford to buy expensive cars.  Ironically, studies have shown that people who push too much and recreate too little are less productive.   Indeed, self-care is not a luxury or waste of time. Leisure is not only important for personal happiness and resilient mental health, it also is necessary for top performance.

In addition to being false, the hard work myth  creates a psychological problem.  The persistence in traditional attitude has caused many to develop a psychological condition that I would call Leisure Deficiency. 

Fortunately, leisure deficiency is treatable. Thus, today, I want to discuss 1) How this false belief arose, 2) How to tell if you suffer from leisure deficiency and 3) Why leisure is important and 4) What can be done to incorporate leisure into your regular routine.

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COVID and Public Mistrust

COVID and Public Mistrust

Last month marks three years since Covid-19 exploded in America and began devastating the world. Sadly, over this period trust in our public health officials and government agencies, like the Centers for Disease Control, has plunged.

Recently,  public health expert, Dr. Leana Wen, commented about the growing mistrust of science and public health policies. Her remarks deserve our attention.  She explained how the government’s messaging about COVID-19 created confusion and mistrust.  I would like to build on her remarks and explain the psychology of public misturst whichhas grown during the crisis. 

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BEING PRESENT

BEING PRESENT

One of the most common problems reported by couples, (not feeling listened to or heard),  can, with some practice, be fixed.  Learning to pay attention and truly be present with one’s partner is crucial for good communication in any relationship.  It is especially important in intimate ones. https://www.healthline.com/health/being-present

Being present is especially challenging when what a person is expressing is negative, angry, fearful or discouraged feelings.  Rather than patiently listening, our natural inclination may be to change the subject, tune out or physically withdraw.  That’s because listening to intense negative emotion can trigger stressful feelings within us which make it difficult to respond rationally.

Men may have an even more difficult time with empathy because of their natural tendency is to solve problems and provide solutions.  While that might sound helpful, it often, isn’t. Offering premature solutions can be experienced as an interruption which stops the person from completing what they are trying to say.  

Many communication difficulties stems from a fundamental confusion  and oversimplification of why people talk to one another. Sometimes verbal communication is simple and direct. When you go to a bank and ask the teller for twenty dollars, the transaction is concrete. It doesn’t matter what either party is feeling as long as the teller correctly does what the customer asked.

Most human communications, however, are complex and take place on two levels: the concrete/literal level and the subtext/feeling level. What many couples don’t understand is that a connection on the feeling level must be made FIRST  before moving to the concrete or literal meaning of the words. 

Being there emotionally is what empathy and good communication is all about.  For example, imagine a wife comes home from an appointment with a new hair dresser and asks her husband , “What do you think ?”  

Although the sentence sounds like simple question, it isn’t.  Any man who thinks that it is will have a serious problem  on his hands.  In fact, the meta-level/emotional level expressed by her facial expressions, body language and voice tone reveals that what she is asking for is not his opinion but reassurance that the new stylist did not butcher her hair. thttps://www.healthline.com/health/being-present

In order for the husband to respond in a helpful way, he needs to give her his full attention.  Here are some tips to help you improve your empathy skills, assist you in being a better listener and be more fully present in conversations

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Mindfullness Psycotherapy

Mindfullness Psycotherapy

Recently I was explaining my therapeutic approach to a new client .  When I mentioned that one of the goals of therapy was to increase mindfulness, she interrupted and said that she was not "into" yoga!    While mindful meditation is a part of the practice of yoga,...

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Intimate Communication

Intimate Communication

Valentine’s Day is all about expressing love and creating romance; but, not for everyone.  While these are a high-priority concerns for those who are in new relationships, many folks who have been married for a while have a different experience. 

Many report that, although getting together sexually was never a problem in the beginning, over time things changed. The addition of kids, busy schedules and familiarity would often interfere with spontaneous exciting rendezvouses. 

As a result, occasions like Valentine’s Day can be awkward and stressful for couples who have not learned how to communicate their intimate desires and carve out time for intimacy. For others, Valentine’s Day serves simply to reveal that a couple’s sexual routines have gone stale and fallen into a rut. What was once new and exciting can become predictable and ho-hum.   

One reason for this dilemma is that the fact that many couples take sex for granted and assume that having good sex in marriage just happens naturally. In fact, it does not.  Sustaining good sex in marriage takes planning, good communication and novelty.   

An essential factor for good sexual communication is clear sexual messaging. Sadly, many couples are uncomfortable revealing their desires.  Likewise, little attention has been paid to help couples overcome obstacles such as embarrassment which inhibit talking freely and honestly about sex.   

Today I want to offer some suggestions to help couples improve their intimate communication and create fresh and comfortable sexual signals.

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Why Romance Matters

Why Romance Matters

As Valentine’s Day approaches, the media will flood us with all sorts of romantic hype and I’m glad.  Frankly, many couples, who have been together for a while, suffer from a romance deficit. So today I want to talk about why romance is so important and essential for lasting and satisfying intimate relationships.

Unfortunately, even though marital therapists realize the importance of romance, many couples don’t. When asked, however, most partners say that they would like more of it in their relationship.

Sadly, many suffer from erroneous beliefs about romance. For example, many falsely believe that, once the romantic spark is gone, it’s gone for good with no way to get it back. The good news is that there are plenty of ways to rekindle romantic feelings and restore passionate excitement to your marriage.

Given all of the misinformation surrounding romance and desire, here are the facts as well as some tips for increasing it in your relationship :

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Santos and the Truth

Santos and the Truth

The long list of George Santos’ resume lies seems unending. They are an ongoing fountain of material for comedians and meme creators as well as being a huge source of amusement for Democrats.

Beyond its entertainment value, however, the George Santos debacle raises questions about the psychology of one who seems almost incapable of telling the truth.  What causes one to compulsively lie ?  While this is a complicated question that can’t be answered here, let’s clear up some of the confusion which exists about the phenomenon of lying in general:

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2016

2015

Rekindling Passion: Part Two – The Secret to Re-igniting the Fames of Desire

 

2012

Flirting with Your Spouse

 

2011

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