February 09, 2015
Rekindling Passion: Part Two - The Secret to Re-igniting the Fames of Desire
-- There is nothing wrong with roses and chocolate to express romantic feelings but here is something that you might not have considered: Seeing you using a vacuum cleaner may be even more attractive to her.
-- In part one of our Valentine’s Day segment, we debunked the myth of aphrodisiacs, i.e. that there are substances which will, all by themselves, sexually arouse our partner. Passion is something that springs more from the loving and considerate foundation of a relationship and not from a secret potion. If there are cracks in the foundation, sexual excitement will suffer. Today I want to share with you the real secret to creating and sustaining sexual passion and desire in your marriage.
-- I realize that most women already know what I’m about to say but nonetheless it bears repeating along with a brief review of the facts concerning female psycho-sexual arousal. To use a computer analogy, men are like Windows and women are more like the pre-windows operating system, DOS. (No, I’m not trying to imply that women are not up to date. It’s just simple analogy.)
--For men, sex is like a program which is almost always open. It’s not necessarily on the screen but it runs in the background like an application which is minimized in the task bar. Thus, it only takes one key stroke to open full screen. For women, sexual arousal is more complex and difficult to access. Rather than a single click, a series of precise commands (to use the DOS analogy) are needed to reach the arousal file. Fortunately, although more complicated, the “commands” aren’t secret or esoteric. Any interested partner can learn them.
--In general, the keys to opening a woman’s passion program are kindness and consideration. In order for a woman to feel sexually interested and available, she needs to feel safe and loved. In order for a woman to feel safe and loved, she needs to be paid attention and listened to as well as to be treated with sensitivity and care. Remember, a woman (most of the time) is in control of whether she will allow herself to be turned on. Kindness and consideration are factors which positively influence her decision.
--In addition to caring, it is important to understand that the process can take time. It is not as simple as putting a password into an ATM. Patience is needed to prevent frustration. As has been said many times before, making love in the evening often starts with loving foreplay earlier in the morning. Foreplay is not about touching genitals. Psychological foreplay, which might be in the form of a compliment or a gentle kiss, is really nothing more than gentle reminders of one’s love. The arousal process may continue throughout the day with an unexpected phone call or text that expresses interest. Further, the affectionate feeling may be intensified by doing something like running an errand or doing a chore that simply makes life a little easier for her. Finally at the end of the day a glass of wine and some gentle kissing can lead to a roaring fire of passion.
--With a little consideration, this Valentine’s Day can be an occasion to experience a new level of romance and excitement for you and your mate and an opportunity to enrich your marriage and life together.
Rev. Michael Heath LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. 2 9 2015