AGEISM AND THE STIGMA OF SENIOR SEXUALITY

Recently, I attended a workshop about sexual well-being for seniors, and it was a real eye-opener.  Although my practice specializes in human sexuality, I was surprised me to learn just how much the healthcare system fails older folks when it comes to sex.  Neglect in attending to their sexual needs increases their risk of both physical and emotional disorders.  . Here are some things to think about:

Senior Citizens: A Growing Population

For those who wonder why be concerned about seniors, it is important to understand that their population is growing. Currently, almost 1 in 5 are over 65 and 1 in 4 is over 60.  In terms of numbers, there are over 86 million Americans aged 65 or older. Get the Facts on Older Americans. Given this trend,  the number of folks affected by the problem will only increase

AGEISM

Let’s face it, our youth-oriented culture is ageist, especially when it comes to sex. Ageism is a stereotypical discrimination toward individuals based solely on advanced age. For example, seniors are often believed to be asexual, because they’re “just “too old.

Ageism also involves more than individual discrimination. It also affects physician education and institutional structures. Indeed, many medical school curricula often make learning aboutthe sexual well-being of older folks optional.

Even worse, Institutions fail to provide policies or structures that allow or promote physical intimacy for their residents. Many assisted living facilities do not recognize the sexual rights of their older residents and actively discourage any sexual behaviors by separating residents who pair off.

Sadly, many nursing homes do not provide basic safe-sex information or encourage them to get help with sex-related problems. Not surprisingly, senior citizen facilities report high rates of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections.

“Why can’t s/he just listen to me ? ” is a common complaint I hear regularly from couples. Over the years, men have been criticized a lot for jumping in with solutions to problems rather than taking the time to listen to what their wives were trying to express.  Indeed, I’ve even written about how men need to listen to feelings more and hold off on trying to fix problems. On Men and Listening | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

While often true, it’s important to understand that men are not the sole cause of communication problems in intimate relationships. The skills needed for folks to understand each other apply to both men and women. Unfortunately, we don’t teach these skills in school. As a result, unnecessary misunderstandings occur.

Intimate Communication

Before reviewing basic listening skills, it’s important to clarify what intimate communication entails. Intimate communication differs from everyday conversation because emotions change the meaning of the words.

For example, when I go to the bank and ask the teller to make a withdrawal, the crucial meaning of the transaction is the exact amount I wish to receive. How I’m feeling when I make the request does not impact what I am trying to convey.

Not so with marital banter.  Consider when a wife comes home from a hair appointment with a new stylist and asks her husband, “How do I look ?”

The meaning of her comment depends on what she is feeling, pleased, unsure or horrified. Intimate listening decodes or translates literal communication to discover the underlying feeling tone.  Understanding what a partner is saying is about hearing 1) what the person is feeling and 2)_what they want.    Characteristics of Effective Listening | Chicago Center for Teaching and Learning | The University of Chicago.

Here are some tips that will help you hear the underlying emotion in your partner’s communication.

Recently, my wife and I went on vacation. Since our usual spot was closed for renovations, we decided to book a nearby resort. Unlike previous getaways, this place was not adult-only.  Initially, I was somewhat concerned about what that would be like. Fortunately, my worries were quickly assuaged, and I was happily surprised. Indeed, what I discovered was the wonderful experience of watching parents taking pleasure in playing with their children.

It was touching to see the delight on a dad’s face as he tossed a ball to his son in the pool. Likewise, I got a kick out of listening to the laughter of children splashing together with mom in the ocean.

With that discovery in mind, here is why delighting in and finding joy with your children is important for both them and you.

Feeling stressed because of upsetting headlines in the news is nothing new. Over the years, I’ve written about how to deal with numerous distressing media reports.  Things like COVID-19, school shootings, and economic woes triggered panicked phone calls from folks seeking relief in counseling. TIPS FOR PANIC | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

More recently, the phones are ringing, especially because of things like ICE’s brutality, the Minneapolis shootings, and the withheld Epstein files. That said, something about these calls is different.  Instead of an issue, folks express anger at Donald Trump.  Not surprisingly, the most recent attack on Iran also spiked panicked calls

Ever since 2015, anxious reactions to Trump have been labeled Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). (Who is credited with coining the phrase ‘Trump derangement syndrome’ (TDS), and why has it gained popularity among pundits, politicians, and others in recent years? – Quora.)  This pseudoscientific perjorative refers to a condition where a person is obsessed and fearful of Donald Trump. (To be clear, the authoritative Diagnostic and Statistical Manual does not recognize this phenomenon as a psychological disorder.)

My concern today is to stress that to be obsessed, i.e., to be worried about disturbing Trump’s actions, is not necessarily pathological.  Quite opposite.  Under certain unusually dangerous conditions, not being obsessed is a state of denial. The difference between an unhealthy and healthy obsession is simple. Unhealthy obsessions are stuck and do not produce results. healthy ones, do. 

Therefore, given the number of distressed calls, I think it is helpful to understand how healthy obsessions function.  I then want to offer some tips for dealing with them.

Even though Valentine’s Day is past, it’s not too late to think about love; it is an opportunity to go beyond the hearts and flowers of the holiday and consider love’s deeper significance. As a therapist, I know that lasting, mature love is much more than desire. The kind of love that sustains a marriage goes beyond simple attraction.  With that in mind, I want to share some thoughts on mature love and offer tips for nurturing true intimacy in a relationship.

The Complex Nature of Love and Desire

Indeed, love is not a simple experience. Unfortunately, the English word does not reveal its nuances. By contrast,  the Greek language has five different words to express the different kinds of love:

— Eros, for sexual desire.                                                                                                                                          — Storge for the instinctual love for one’s children,                                                                                                  — Philia for brotherly or friendship love,                                                                                                                    —  Agape for unconditional, selfless, divine love for others, and                                                                              — Pragma for the mature, secure, committed love between husband and wife.

The components of mature love.

With this understanding, it is important to emphasize that the kind of love needed to sustain an adult relationship in marriage is a combination of three types of love: Eros, Philia and Pragma.

For many reasons, these are very strange times. For someone who helps individuals and couples deal with sexual issues, a glaring paradox stands out:  On one hand, research shows that the use of internet pornography is on the rise.   On the other hand, both individuals and couples report having less sex.

While some suggest that using porn leads to havingless sex, it’s not that simple. There is no convincing evidence that porn use diminishes interest in having sex with a partner.  While not completely understood, here are some of the factors responsible for this perplexing trend:

The Internet and Pornography

The rise of problems connected to pornography correlates directly with the innovation of the internet. The impact of the dramatic change in pornography’s availability accounts for its increased use.

Sexually erotic materials used to be kept from pubic view.  For example, drug stores used to hide Playboy magazines under the counter. Today, however, porn is instantly available to anyone, including children, with the click of a mouse. 2025 Porn Addiction Statistics – Rates, Demographics & Effects – Addiction Resource

To be clear, however, the rise in folks viewing pornography does not mean that most people prefer porn to sex. There are other reasons which explain why folks are having less sex.

Over the years, I’ve found that it’s difficult for men to listen to their wives, i.e. really hear what she is trying say. Part of the problem is that men and women are psychologically different.

Fundamental differences

A fundamental difference in their emotional makeup creates misunderstanding. According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, 75% of men are, by nature, Ts (thinkers and problem solvers).  On the other hand, 75% of women are Fs (primarily concerned with feelings and getting along).16 Personality Test, discover your personality type, gain insights into potential, interpersonal relationships and career development | 16PersonalityLab AI

These different character traits result in different understandings of what talking is for.  That is, men listen for a problem. When women talk to their mates, they tend to express their emotions.  Men seek to solve a problem while women want to be heard and connected to their partner.   While men often assume that their mates want answers but their partners often really just want empathy.  Becoming a Good Listener: From Advice Giving to Non-Anxious Listener | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY 

You see how the wires get crossed.  For example, after a man listens and offers what he thinks is a good suggestion, instead of being thanked, his wife accuses him of being controlling and of telling her what to do. Indeed, he didn’t understand the upset she was feeling and jumped ahead to trying to solve her problem, even though she hadn’t asked him to.

** (I am not suggesting that men are the only problem when it comes to having intimate communication. Often, women are not direct when they speak and don’t explicitly say what they need. We’ll take this up another time,)

Fortunately, most men are educable and can learn to decode indirect messages and find the underlying feeling tone. However, learning to be empathically present in conversation is more complicated than it\ first appears. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/he-speaks-she-speaks/201602/are-men-really-lousy-listeners

Here are some tips to help you learn to be a better, more empathic listener:

Okay, it’s the beginning of the new year and many folks are energized and filled with lots of good ideas and resolutions to improve their lives.  Numerous studies show, however, that, despite good intentions, most plans for change fall apart in the first week . New Year’s Resolutions | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Don’t get me wrong; I believe that dramatic change is possible and worth the effort.   But, from my 47 years of experience helping people to change, I have learned why many efforts to change, fail.  The Psychology Behind Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

The typical cliches, like a person “didn’t try hard enough” or that they lacked “willpower”, miss the point.  In fact, significant change is difficult.  Significant change is complicated and influenced by unconscious factors.  Indeed, unconscious conflicts are why so many of the self-help books don’t work. It’s not that their advice isn’t sound; factors about which we are unaware, our factors interfere.

Most often, they don’t work because changes we are aware of and want to make are tied to old conflicts we are unaware of. So, if one has had problems reaching a life-change goal , some personal exploration beneath one’s conscious surface will be necessary to succeed.

— Think of an Iceberg

An image that helps conceptualize unconscious obstacles to change is an iceberg.  There is much more to the challenge of changing below the water line than above it.  Thus, it is necessary to look beneath the surface to fully understand both why efforts failed and what is necessary to succeed.

Some Questions to Help You Look Beneath the Surface

Since many people attempt to make changes with an inadequate understanding of the problems involved and without it is no wonder the success rate is so low.   Here are some important questions that will help you peek below the surface if you want to increase your odds of  succeeding:

Over the past few years, it has become a custom at holiday times to reflect on the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). This story provides helpful insight to reduce the stress of family gatherings. Easing Holiday Stress | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Not surprisingly, modern stress management techniques utilize their timeless insights.  Better Ways to Manage Your Holiday Stress | Psychology Today. In keeping with that tradition, I want to focus on Martha and show how her experience can help us to lower our level of anxiety and better deal with the stress that get-togethers can bring.

The Story

To refresh your memory, here is the text of Luke’s timeless account of Martha’s encounter with Jesus: “Now as they went on their way, he entered a village; and a woman named Martha received him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40

 But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she went to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; 42 one thing is needful.[a] Mary has chosen the good portion, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Applying The Story to Our Lives

Even a quick review reveals the relevance of this brief but poignant story. The story exposes a universal human dilemma, i.e., how quickly tension between family members can explode.

Although Martha was eager to please her guests, her distress and resentment toward her sister got the best of her. As a result, resentment led her to overlook the occasion’s larger significance, to be angry with her sister, and to snap at Jesus.

Rather than looking at family dynamics, however, I want to focus on how the experience of stress can corrupt our experience and behavior. Also, I want to highlight how Jesus responded to Martha’s outburst.  He did not react to her crossness in kind. Instead, he calmly identified her anxiety with compassion.

Both Martha’s reaction and Jesus’ response provide helpful clues for us to deal with our stressful holiday situations.